| Im Totenreich |
[Dez. 7., 2006|07:14 pm] |
Don't ever be kind to people when they have hurted, insulted and mistreated you.
Everybody takes the hand reaching out, as an invitation to step further on you.
Walking all over you, as everybody does.
It burns me from the inside,
That I care and care for everybody, but who cares for me.
I'm tired of giving all to people who five nothing back.
I am tired.
I am trying to write the paper that will keep me alive.
Secure my tiny income and tiny home.
But it's only a short postponement.
It's very obvious, that the blow will strike well before next autumn.
All I want is security, a life to live.
The system will take all I have, my money, my home, my rights.
It is in principle a dead blow.
So now, I am left to wondering, how to exit life.
In a nuthouse? starving/freezing in the isolated woods? by revenging all?
I have nothing to lose.
If they have sentenced me to dead, why not use my last few breaths on revenge on my executioners.
Not a long ago, a person here wrote, how happy she was, that there was room for someone like her in her country.
I know now, that there is no room for me in this country, and propably no where on this planet.
I even wonder if there is room for me im Totenreich |
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| my october (#1 - mainly EGP conference) |
[Nov. 18., 2006|03:39 pm] |
I miss going on msn etc., so in desperation, since I heard that the university has wireless internet in many halls, I tried to bring my laptop, but naturally it didn't work, so I'm on the old university computers here. I just read, that I need "wireless internet card", which I obviously don't know anything about.
I haven't told anything about my days for 2-3 months now, it's time to quick sum up. September is fairly easy: I started on history, went to most classes, didn't read enough. Didn't hear much from Sevi. In total in the 3 months since I came home, I have recieved, 2 or 3 short sms's, 2 short mails (all usually apologising for not writing) and only one fairly long mail. And I have written her lots, even though I'm more busy than her. She uses her internet time, chatting with others, that's not good enough. My patience is getting thinner and thinner. Also I talked with a History professor about RAF and a possible assignment. Also there was parties for both history (where I went with Annette - se Aug. 31st update, and at a time told her - as she later told me - that I would be gone for a moment. However I got sick, and vomitted and lay feeling sick in one of the isolated toilets, I awoke late at night, maybe 4 or 5 am, and zombie walked home, very childish, I haven't donethat in years) and philsophy (there's a fellow student there, named Mette S., who have to be the most beautiful, intelligent and inspirational woman ever). I also went to my first political meeting with the People's Movement.
October was to be very busy, the plans just got more and more. Travels, lessons, extra lessons and alternative lectures (that you have to come to, to show your face), political meetings etc. It started when I was informed, that the painters would come on 2nd and/or 3rd of October to paint the outside windows and door. I waited home both days, missing school and whatnot, they didn't come. Then I got a note, saying they would come on 4th and/or 5th of October. Early at 7 am on the 4th I saw them at my neighbours, so I thought they'd come by me soon, I waited and got more impatient, of having to stand by, missing lots of treasured time. At 1 pm they came, well, one came, did a little, and then 1 hour later another came. They weren't they're for the last 2 hours of their working day with me, so I figured they were done, but they weren't (I hate their way of working, why do they start on a house, then do another house, take a break, start on a third house, before finishing the first?), so I stood by on the 5th as well.
On October 6th I was with a few others from Philosophy to a conference in Aarhus. This is were I used to live, and since I forgot some things last time I was home in Aarhus, I went back and fetched it and went back to the conference, missing one speech. When we went there, we were 6 from philosophy, when we went back, we were 4. One of the others were Mette S., and as we lived fairly close, we were on the same bus home, and I got to talk to her for the first time (besides those fairly brief small-talk in public for instance: "How are you?", "Do you want some coffee for the second half?" and "What do you think of the critic of Martin Heidegger's concept of we can feel nothingness, that it's impossible to feel something that is not there?"), and well, she's wonderful, but out of my league.
The night between October 8th and 9th, when I wrote my first LJ update about the BG trip, I got sick, due to walking to the university and back in the late of night with too little clothing. I would stay sick for almost a month until November 5th or so. This was due to, that I couldn't recover, because I was always busy.
First I tried to recover, because I didn't want to be sick on an important trip. I didn't succed, so I was still sick, when Jean T. and I went to Geneva in Switzerland. Here we (as representatives of the danish green party) participated in the EGP (European Green Party) conference. We took the train all the way, and it took more than 12 hours for me. I was sick and uncomfortable most of the time, and missed lots of the conference. But Jean, being the old veteran in this, was actually the conference delegate, I was "only" delegated for the Council meeting on October 15th. Jean also hung up with a norweigian delegate, so I was fairly much alone. One day, as we were walking to the conference, I found out my legs were in such pain, I had to turn around. But I had walked so slow, that they were far away, and I couldn't shout to them, so I went back to our hotel (Hotel Pax). But then I realised, that the others had the keys, so I sad for 1½-2 hours in pain, sick and tired in the foyer, until I asked the incredible beautiful woman who was wandering around taking care of duties. Previously I thought I could learn some german, but although it was Switzerland, than they actually preferred speaking english over german. So I had to confront her with french or english, and I decided to give her a little attempt in her own language, as I said "excussez moi, j'ai une probleme, parlez vous anglais?", and she understood. I got a spare key and went to sleep. Jean is an odd fellow, he hates EGP and spends all his time criticising them, "they are not green enough, they are fascists, they support the EU, they practice propaganda" blah, blah, blah. It was strange to realise, that all he has said all these years, was equally as much propaganda. They were not that bad. So Jean eventually annoyed me, as he couldn't talk about anything about how horrible they were, and how wrong all was. He couldn't talk about anything else, and after being filled with politics constantly, I wanted to hear something else. Also one can wonder, why he so eagerly supports that we stay in the EGP, if he hates it so much, and why he so eagerly participates in the meetings. Actually he spends most of his time talking with other delegates, especially if they are hot women. That also annoyed me, he was simply all over all the women, that was his trip, and that's what the danish green pays thousands for? He doing that and then telling bullocks about the meeting. Jerk. Anyways,I participated in the council meeting. Jean was there too with me (unfortunally). We voted about the budget and the action plan. Jean wanted to vote against, but now I was the delegate, not he. And sure, the plan wasn't perfect, but it was rather positive, to set a positive green future. Also Jean also talked about how the scandinavian greens should work together. But the leading norweigian green representative voted for both things. Then came a funny moment, as we had run out of time, and still not voted on our ammendments. A dominating german guy wanted that the EGP leaders to decide on the ammendments. This was upsetting, as they have moved more and more power to the leaders away from the local parties. In the end we were to vote if we wanted to continue voting on the ammendments although the time was overdue. I was sure we would lose this, but eventually about 38 voted for and about 18 voted against (including that the german had 4 votes). Then the german bitterly left, trying to smile and look positive. He was escorted out with a slightly taunting/unpleasant-meant applause. It was so cool, and the political peak of the conference. We took back power. See pics here, none of me, but I'm behind the camera, at times
more later... |
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| university rant |
[Sep. 8., 2006|05:50 pm] |
A little odd update. As mentioned in my last update, there are problems at my new minor studies. Administrative problems that suck all my time. And it was boiling up and annoying me, so I wrote about it, and might as well post it. It's not important for anyone to read, it just shows why life is so hard to live, because all dies in administration and regulations...
There's the thing about universities. You can either have a major and a minor or just a major. The solemn major studies are for 5 or 6 years, depending on what you chose. The major and minor studies are 5 years. But there was an old way of choices and a new way. In the old way, it was called "sidesubject", and you could have for 1 or 1½ years of full sidesubject studies, and 1½ years would give high school teaching qualities. Now there's a new way, called "addchoice", which is very odd, and has many possibilities. But a definitive rule is, that you have to start you "addchoice" before ending the basic level of your major, whereas with the "sidesubject", you could take this after you had finished the basic level of your major. This start in September is the last where "sidesubject" is possible, and the first where "addchoice" is possible. Most people who started when I did, rushed to start on their minor now, as it was the last chance to have a "sidesubject" and thus mostly their last chance to have a minor, as most of them were done with their basic level of their major. I also chose this, but ended by fault of the supervisors on the "addchoice" way, and because I'm not done with my basic level (lacking 5 out of 120 ECTS), I couldn't be moved without dispensation, and also because I really have to write my BA, I have sulkenly to stay on "addchoice", as they're divided. On "sidesubject" you have 1½ year (3 semestres/terms) just with the minors. With "addchoice" it's completely different: your first term on "addchoice" is half minor, half major. Your second term on "addchoice" is full minor. Then hopefully you're done with your basic level, and can then continue to the academic level. Here you will have a year (two terms) which is 5/6 minor and 1/6 major and then end with 1 year of major (whereas the last half of that year is for writing the "speciale", the final assignment, to become cand.mag. - I think)
Now, problems: this operates with odd ECTS, that I have to get 5 more from my major after my BA. And there isn't 5 ECTS subjects in my major that I can take. So even if I fullfill my ambition to handle my minor on basic level and my BA in this following year, I will still stand with a lack of 5 ECTS at summer, which means, that maybe my succesion to the candidate level, will be postponed a year. Secondly, this dividation between switching between major and minor has two problems. Firstly, then where "sidesubjects" could just concentrate on their minor for 1½ year, then I can't, and it's hard reading and writing about two completely different things, and more easy to keep in one kind of subject, instead of fiddling with history and philosophy books at once. The other bad thing about this, is that "sidesubject" students, has the same classes as people who take this subject as their new major. Whereas I, having only 60% of the classes, that new students who has my minor as a major, has. So it's much harder for me, than for "sidesubject" students, to socialise with the other students, as I don't have that many classes with them (as I am to study on philosophy as well). I really don't get, why it was made so, this seems to be really troublesome for students, to divide it so. Sick. Another problem is that my full study (compared to "sidesubject" students) has 5 ECTS more on my minor, and then 5 ECTS less on my major. But those damn 5 ECTS doesn't fit in anywhere. It's the same, as will stick out when I'm done with this year, and I know they will make a fuzz and delay everything.
That's just some of the problems. I'm spending too much time at councellors and administration, because no one knows anything at all. It's so hard and energy consuming. |
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| very, very tired.... (my intro day at History) |
[Aug. 31., 2006|05:43 pm] |
Hello all. I had decided that I shouldn't write in here now (although I really wanted to), because I am too tired to do so.
I wanted of course to write about Bulgaria and Sevi, about the trip, show pictures etc. I made a few notes on what to write, but didn't bring it, and I simply am so tired to write about such complicated memories. I wanted to update sooner, but about August 22nd, the university decided to block all computer rooms, until August 31st, so this is my first time on the internet since then. I really want to write about BG, but it has to wait until next time. Now I am busted.
Today was a special/nervous day. I was to start my new side subject at the university - History (my new minor), after 4 years of Philosophy (my major). I tried to start last year, but didn't properly register, because I wanted to finish my BA first, I didn't get to do that, and dissapeared from the few History classes I at times attended. As embarassing as it sounds, 12 months later, I still haven't finished my BA assignment, I'm just that lazy/stupid/nervous. But still I registered for History, and said I would deliver my BA in August and get Philosophy to give me acceptance of the dely, so I could chance. HOWEVER!: I haven't done either (not delivered the BA, and therefore not acquired an excuse from Philosophy for delivering it now). Still I got a letter from History, that awaited me, when I returned from Bulgaria, and although I expected problems, I was in, with no remarks (I do however fear, that sometime the administration will discover this, and I will be stopped).
There was a trip, but when I came home from BG and read the letter, it was too late to pay for to participate in the trip for new students. I then decided, that I HAD to participate in the introduction the 31st of August. I had to be there at 10 am. I got to bed at 3 am, was disturbed by a mosquito for a while, had to go to the toilet all the time, and generally just couldn't sleep. I had slept less than two hours when I had to get up at 8:10, and I just wanted to sleep more. I forced myself up, but still seriously considering actually staying at home. After preparing myself, I laid down again, wanting to forget it all. But in the end I got up and went, and was there not as early as I wanted, but still shortly before 10 am.
The first was the most embarassing. Appearently we had to sit in the six groups we were put in, and I didn't know that, or anyone from my group, so someone asked me to move. I was so embarassed. I then sat next to a blonde blue-eyed girl, who seemed so nervous about everything. Who didn't speak and tried to be as quiet as possible. Other people, including her hadn't been at the trip for new students either. She was incredibly beautiful, and I couldn't help thinking how I could get to talk with her, and get to know her. We didn't talk one word however at all. But once after a break, where she had been out, and had to get back to her seat, and I had to stand up, to let her get to it, I must have visibly smiled at her, because she smiled back at me. But of course nothing's ever gonna happen further! I found out her name was Bettina. Two of our tutors had started last year, same as I had tried being at some classes, and I recognised one of them (and he aperantly me. This didn't mean much, but it mean, that I could participate in some talks with them, and not be a big loser, just sitting, not talking with anyone. They were both younger than me. There are two others in our group, that also was taking History as their minor, but the rest had just started at the university, and as the two others who had it as minor wasn't present, then I was by far the eldest (I think). Knowing me, it's a fucking scary thought to be the eldest! However I saw 3 from my year in philosophy in other groups, and I know two of them are older than me, so at least I'm not the oldest of the 109 (I think?) starting students. We were on those embarassing walks around the university, where we had to perform tasks, once I was in a discussion with talkative but rather strange and occasionally insulting 20 year old guy, who was half scottish. Suddenly after the talks, I realised, I had said some dumb things about me and my studies, you know, the kind of things, that are meant as funny jokes/pranks, etc. And it was good, except that Bettina had been sitting right next to us, not doing anything, she obviously would have heard. And then I did (in my head) the obligatory: "Why did I say that, oh now I've ruined my only chance, she would never like me after saying such stupid/silly things"... With me and that weird scottish guy, was also a 19 year old girl (whose name might have been Anette?), who reminds me of Michelle (see December 17th 2005 update). the scottish guy was extremely dominating in a conversation, and poor withdrawn me, hardly dared to speak, when I was in conversation with her and him. It seemed, he liked her, and she liked him. But when we sat a few people left, after most (including Bettina) had gone, Anette(?) seemed to direct her talks mainly at me, so I wondered. The three of us walked out, scottish guy on bus, Anette(?) on bicycle and moi on feet. I waited to see, if she would want to talk more, without this guy (so, just the two of us), but she said bye and bicycled. That was 17:00. Then I went back to the university to check the internet, especially regarding the History studies, where I have my first class tomorrow. All 109 students are to have this class, so probably no contact with Bettina or Anette(?) (The reason I am unsure of her name, is because she said "Anette" or "Annette", pronounced identically. But looking at our list, there's none of that name, so maybe I remember wrongly).
This update seems super strange, and super unusual in my writing style. It's due to being extremely tired. It seems more like the opening plot of a love movie. So, to be continued... but hopefully first I'll get an update or two about BG/Sevi and pics. |
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| Post from Varna, Bulgaria |
[Aug. 11., 2006|10:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Varna, Bulgaria | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  sad, ok, happy, angry etc. | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | something that the cafe is playing | ] |
Hey wonderful persons. I write only quickly now. As I agreed with Sevi to be at the internet cafe for half an hour, while she picked up food, and I've been here for over an hour, so I fear she will be angry. Which is not good, as we had our biggest fight ever. I'll spare you the details. In short: Everytime she had wanted to do something, we did it together, and I of course went with her, because it is good thing, for a couple to go together (especially if they only have 2 weeks together each year), but when I wanted to do one thing, Sevi said that I should go alone, because she wanted to stay at the beach. I thought this was rude, especially as she seems to act oddly, thinking we were supposed to be an item. As I often feel to be alone on a trip, as she is busy with so much else, and so many people else, she can talk to every day. Blah, blah, enough weeping. The ending was that I (being the super butch man I am - NOT) cried for the first time in 5 years. It was that bad, I usually never cry, and actually I didn't really cry this time, but merely two tears went from my eye over my cheek.
Such is life I guess. We are now living in a room in Varna. The flat is owned by a lady who is 75 years old, and she lives there too, and another guest. The lady ("Gozpozha Dimitrova" = Mrs. Dimitrova (she\s widowed) is actually very nice, and invited Sevi and I for dinner last evening. She is however most kind to Sevi, mainly because she's a female and because they can communicate. As I and Dimitrova can't communicate at all. She tried with finger language to tell about the news about the bombings that was supposedly prevented yesterday, and I made her telling out as: her family in USA go out and shoot pigeons or claypigeons.... almost the same? However, when we had dinner, the lady is a good drinker, and I also like the local "rakija" (a strong liqour, about 45%), and Sevi don't drink, so the lady liked to have someone to drink with.
I am now sitting at an internet cafe placed under a theatre. The internet cafe is spooky, as it is in a basement, hardly any light, spray painting of death, killings and skeletons all over the walls, and nerdy boys and men playing computer games...
Last year, on the last evening together, I bought her a ring to wear. And yesterday she lost it (she said on the beach). I am so devastated about this... Yes, I am.
That's all for now. I really have to go now. She's getting angry, I can feel it.
To everyone who asked for pictures. I will try to get some up for you, so you all can see how hideous I am. Bah!
Dovishdane! (Goodbye in bulgarian)
PS. I only had time to read a few entries right now. I sincerely apoligise for this, and I hope you all won't be too angry. |
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| In Aarhus / BG trip preperations |
[Jul. 26., 2006|10:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Odense, SDU | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  stressed | ] |
I don't really have any big news, so I'll just tell a little about the smaller news. So I maybe I can get it out of my system, as I really have lots to concentrate about, and don't have room for to concentrate on all these past little things.
Saturday 2½ week ago, I went to Aarhus. Mainly to take care of the rabbit there, as it was alone for a week, I did however stay another week, and didn't come back home until Saturday 4 days ago. In Aarhus, I had again full internet access, and of course abused that, and spend hordes of time on the internet, and chatting on msn and icq. In the latter part of my time, after the others came home, I played (computer) games etc. with my sister also. I have made a slight change of attitude towards summer. I don't understand why, but it's good I have. I have always disliked the summer somewhat. Preferred the colder and rainy days. I still prefer a rainy summer day over a hot summers day, but this is probably because we have had a total heatwave, and all longs for rain and a bit of cold, if it had been a colder and more rainy summer, I probably would have longed for the sun. Also, as an allergic (i.e. hayfever), and this being the season of grass pollen, then rain is needed if I'm not to feel like shit all day, thanks to the allergy. But a strange thing was, that one day, I was so dissapointed that it was a cold day, as I had wanted to be out in the sun on that day. It's very strange, I have never before wished a summers day was more hot than it was. Also, one day we were at the beach, and I actually enjoyed it a lot. And I had insisted on getting home about 4 pm, as I was following a P. D. James "Adam Dalgliesh series" (mainly due to the wonderful Gryphonesque music), and the 5th (out of 6) episode was that day. But when the time came (and we had only been on the beach for max. 3 hours then), I didn't really want to go. I wanted to swim more, I miss being at the beach and swimming, I have almost forgotten to swim (certainly don't have the stamnia to swim as long as I could as a kid), and swimming is one of the heathiest forms of exercise. I did go home after 4 pm, but hoped to go again another day, but didn't. Another thing I was to do in Aarhus, was to copy various pictures from Bulgaria. Some to bring to Sevi, and some to hang on the wall. In my total laziness that fortnight, I only managed to go into town and do it once, which means that there's still pictures to do. I did however fortunally get to copy all the pics to bring to Sev.
As that is another thing, during this fortnight in Aarhus, I chatted some times with Sev, and we talked very much about meeting this summer. Again she preferred that I came to her, and I looked at various plane ideas. Some were cheaper but very complicated, so I settled for Bulgaria Air, at $400. I tried calling them several times, and finally got through, and got ordered, and recieved a e-mail from them, which I don't understand.
At home I had some problems, one window and a knob to a shelf had for long been broken, but now another window was needing of getting fixed, and more importantly, suddenly there was a loud constant dripping from some of the pipes, my fridge can't cool to under 10 degrees Celcius, although it cools non-stop, and it leaks water on the floor. So yesterday I walked to the janitor, but it was closed, saw him on the way back fortunally, although he was so stressed, he wasn't delighted I had problems. Especially because I had forgotten the wire to my cell phone in Aarhus, so it had no battery, and therefore didn't work, so he couldn't call me. I borrowed a big garden scissor, as I have to cut my lawn and the big bushes that act as a fence to the neighbours gardens. Later the day, a guy came to look at the pipes, some ventil had to be replaced, and he would come back tomorrow. And later the electricy man came, he said that the fridge was cool enough, that the leak was only a one time event (without even looking at it), and that he didn't believe the fridge was cooling non-stop. So, that didn't confide me in any way, and it annoys me, that I have to worry about this still, as I have so much else to work on.
Mainly working on the trip to Bulgaria, and things that have to be ready till then. I have spend hours writing big lists of all I have to do, what I have to bring on the trip and what I have to remember to see, experience, show and/or say there. Also lists of all other things I have to do in general. Since Sunday, I've been working non-stop, it's been so hard, I've: made a map for my political (esp. Green Party) papers etc., found my weight meassurer (and now can meassure how much weight I lose - I'm now almost 5kg less than last time I was in BG), plan my finances for the BG trip (I'm so poor on money, and I really couldn't afford going, so I have promised myself, that max. $800-900 is spend in total, including the flight, train tickets and all things I pay for before leaving and during the trip. And then I'm gonna spend no unnecessary money for the next 1-1½ year), burn a CD-R of pictures for Sev, copy and print papers I need for the trip, fix some books and fix all my bank things (so I know exactly how my economy is), write Bulgaria Air for more information, read lots about the towns we have planned to visit (so I know what to see and where to go) write lots of mails to Sevi and today I've started cutting grass and that bush fence, but I'm far from finished, because the garden scissor is shite.
Unfortunally, I'm still unsecure on how to pay the bill from Bulgaria Air, so that they know the payment is from me, and then find out how I'll get my plane ticket. Especially since last year, everything went crazy, because I didn't have gotten the ticket until during the check-in. But Bulgaria Air haven't answered my e-mail, and I really need this confirmation before I can go on, and there's so much to do still... *sigh* And I have a constant pain in my belly, due to stress and nervousity - and when will I find the time and calmness to work on my university assignment, which is the most important thing.... |
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| June/July (fitness/summer plans/etc.) |
[Jul. 4., 2006|08:01 pm] |
For some reason, the computer room were I usually sit, is closed from July 3rd to August 31st, so now there's only one computer room in the entire university I can use. Fortunally it's summer, so hardly anyone is here, so it's should be no problem to get a seat. But the keyboard is very different from what I'm used to, so many errors may occur. But on this Saturday I'm going to Aarhus, so if their internet works, I'll probably be on all the time then.
On June 10th, I did something I had considered for a long time, bought a handweight (whatever it's called in Anglais), it's only 5 kg, but if you do enough times with it, it will be heavy in the end. And for the first week I used it everyday, then didn't as much, but lately I have really over used it, and my upperarms are really pressed to the limits. Good thing, as I need to work up my outer beauty (or lack of same), and be more fit and muscular. Also, I got a tip, which I'm surprised I didn't think of before: make soup of various green plants. So June 11th, I decided to go out and pluck these plants (don't know what they're called in English, but they are first with yellow, that then turns white and that's seed that spreads, and everybody hates them in their garden), and also some of the plants that burns your skin etc. And boiled it, I found out that making tea rather than soup was more me (with tons of added sugar of course). It taste well, and although I only drink the water that has boiled the plants (and don't eat the actual plants) I still hope some vitamins spread. It's strange with my love for nature, that I didn't think of this, and actually I haven't done it lately, I must do it again. the final thing I did to be more fit, was that some mornings when I awoke early, then (starting from the early morning of June 24th) I ran/walked for about an hour from about 4:45 am to close to 6 am (when the sun just arose), I really think it helped, I certainly sweated, but as I don't awake early these days, I haven't done it lately either.
One of those early mornings, I decided to walk to the university, mainly to be at the internet, before people would come there. Unfortunally the internet was closed, but I saw huge posters advertising for "Flower Power Festival In Freiberg" (I knew of course it was in Germany, and later found out, that it was rather far away). The reason I can't lay this away, is that the headline of the festival is good old Amon Düül II, my latest obsession, which is one of the only bands I have listened to the last year. It would be amazing to see them live, and go on a trip to Germany. The festival is based on the same time as Sevi has time of work, and I have decided, that I must go to one of those, I really must. Sevi has (if I haven't said earlier) again invited me to Bulgaria, she said she couldn't come here, because of her finances, but for some reason, she thinks I am super wealthy, and can afford going there all the time. And actually I have realised, that finances is the only thing that holds me back from going. All the hard work, stress, and endless discussions and fights with Sevi isn't that much of an issue now for some reason.
July 1st, I delivered my application for my side-subject in History. I haven't finished what is needed for starting on my side subject, so I wrote that I'll finish during this summer, and if that is to succed, then I partly have to do more work than I have done the last year, and also have the luck to be excused for being late. So, I'm screwed. On that day I also saw a note that advertised for doing a summer job, for humatarian or similiar purposes, could be interesting, but I don't know how much time I have here. Have to run now, and buy some food at the stores before it closes. Bye... |
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| Congress & lack of love |
[Jun. 15., 2006|12:06 am] |
One of the really sad things in the Sovjet, was that many in the people, the poor peasants really gave all they had, all their labour for a cause they believed in, for the communistic proletarian cause. And all their efforts and money? They ended being the benefit of the rich and powerful leaders at the top of the party.
That's a bit how I felt during the organic/ecological congress I told about earlier. I gave so much for the Green Party, efforts, sweat, money, lots of the time I should have used on my assignment. I handled all the practical details. And when the congress began, then some of the leaders of the Green Party came to help out at the congress, but they started of getting money, due to transportation, and the money they wanted was far more than the cost. And what about what all I gave to this? Tons of work, and for what use. I even started to doubt, that I was supporting a party I could support. One in particular dissapointed me. His name was Henning, and about twice my age (which made him the second youngest Green Party person present, the youngest being of course yours truly). He had helped with the set up the day before. Putting up posters, buying that sheet-like thing that is put over tables, like a cloth, candles, lots of things. He was such a voodoo person. Talking about that evil spirits gave him allergies, that food shouldn't just be organic, but he picked his vegetables only at a certain time of day (at full moon or something), which I think has nothing to do with organic. I think it has to do, about the food being as ´pure as back in the early days. I don't believe that Neanderthals only ate at full moon, they ate when they were hungry. Also I'm greatly annoyed by people who constantly talk about tolerance, and how their opponents show no tolenrance, when they themselves have absolutely no tolerance either. Hypocrites. Now enough bitching. It did go a little bit better during the congress, during the second day, there came a girl (yes, she was WOW WOW attractive), and who was from the (my) city. So I talked with her a little, even though it was hard, with the green bosses interferring all the time. But she sounded like a wonderful person. Later I saw her walking with the cleaning guy, I wonder if they were together, even though I saw no loving contact between them. The cleaning guy was actually funny. He looked exactly like a male supermodel, a guy just like the ones I see most females on my friends list post pictures of. So, he had the looks most women would drool for, but once when I entered the male's toilet, I saw him not only cleaning a toilet, but really with his hand down one of the toilets (fishing for something?). It was so odd, when he looked like those who have everything. I guess it's so co-incidential who makes it big time, and who ends on the floor. We also meet a guy from the swedish Green Party and on the last day, a guy from the italian green party (Verdi) came by. He sat in the region council for Verdi in the italian region of Modena, and was so thrilled to see danish "comrades", so he got a picture of some of us standing next to him at our Green Party stand. I wanted to show you guys that picture, but the italian guy who took it and promised to send me it, hasn't done so... sorry! So, it was ok, I talked with a few people, but didn't get any woman to be interested in me, but we all know that beforehand *sigh*. There was the hot but young New Zealand girl, Penelope, and the italian Maria from Modena, and there was a danish Anne Mette, the latter I never got to talk with.
Speaking of love, then there's nothing to tell, actually, on the contrary, there is minus to tell. I was interested in a girl that took many of my classes at the university. Mette was her name, and I did end up getting to talk with her many times, but nothing more. In my work with the congress, I have had a bit of a vague contact with two female enviromentalists that both lives in my old home town of Århus. Nanna K. & Julie A. but I wrote them lastly shortly after the congress, defienetly more than a week ago, but I haven't heard from them since. I meet the often mentioned Linda H. at the university a week ago. She thinks that I have a huge crush on her, and it amuses me to no end, to let her stay in that belief, and then showing I have no interest. I think that's fair, after all, rarely have a woman been as mean to me, as she did, when I actually did have a crush on her. Unfortunally I do still fancy her a bit. And after all this I realised something. For the first time, I had nothing. I have always comforted myself, that I had another girl I knew, so that I could go for her, not that that I would ever get her to like me, but if I was sad about a rejection or abuse, I could throw my love on someone else, if only to forget the other. But now I have nothing, and know (more than ever) I need someone to shake away the last remains of Ambra. I checked my e-mail today in a small hope, but no writings, not from Julie, not from Nanna, not even from Ambra or Linda even though I wrote them (yeah, yeah, pathetic). However when I least expect it, there always often comes a mail that takes me by surprise. Sevi wrote, talking about the possibilities to spend some of this summer together, ah ha, we'll see.
I have some "fitness, being helthy, natural and obsessed with nature" things to tell, but they shall wait.
I am still angry on putting so much work into the organic/ecological congress, and getting so little back. Especially when I worked hard, and had a big assignment hanging over my head, neglecting it, to work on the congress. Today I send my text of all my expenses during the congress, and we'll see if I get some money back. I also wrote and send my "review" (as it was placed on me to write about the congress for the Green Party magazine thing).
Now I have to walk home at 1:50 am, and it's completely dark and scary. Feel sorry for me.... :P |
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| My life! |
[Apr. 20., 2006|04:50 pm] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  busy | ] |
It has been a busy few weeks. Lately I have sized myself up to be rather active. I walk more, exercise more etc. I also read a little bit, not much, but improving. One disadvantage of where I live now, is that I am now very far from the center. I'm gonna get a visitor here soon, one of the italian girls I mentioned long ago. She's comming here in about a week. So, I went to town, it's a 1½+ hour walk each way, to get a haircut, and by train tickets to the Cophagen Airport "Kastrup". Previously, my legs had been doing so much better, in relation to the staph/germ disease that has been there for 2½-3 years. But the long walks to town and back ruined them. And the day after (yesterday) and today I have walked to the university, so my legs don't have the time to recover. And the worst part is, that I'm enlisted for a philosophy congress about "The Evil" in Aarhus tomorrow. That means we are to meet at the train station at 6:10 am, that means at 4:30 am, in less than 12 hours, I am to once again walk all the way to town. My legs won't handle this, and I'm afraid.
I have also attended more classes, before I moved, I attended 0 classes, I wanted to, but never got doing it. Afterwards I try to attend 4 a week, and are to much more classes. I don't take exam in them, but are there, simply out of interest and love for the class, professors and fellow students. These classes are on the top level, and only about 5 are present, so I love the atmosphere of just being a few. I'm still working on my BA, these last few days, I made and delivered my petita, this is the 4th semester/term that I deliver a petita for this assignment, so this time I really want to succed. A lot of new articles have been added, and I really want to be a knowledged on causation (my topic).
The Green Party is also fine. I am elected to be in the co-ordination group, and when I usually twice a week get to a computer with internet, then there are lately about 10 mails related to greens to reply. I was asked to represend the greens on a "day of visions" but refused, as it colided with the visit of the italian girl, and now I heard that the green party leader of Tunesia are comming to Denmark, to meet our representives. I fear I'll be asked for that too, but it also collides with the italian girl's visit. Instead I am head of representing us on an ecological/organic congress. It's very strange to handle all those co-ordinational things, when I have never tried before. Very nervous of doing anything wrong.
My new home is NOISY! I can't stand it. A few partly anoying things is that my one neighbour is an old lady with a dog, which barks at the oddest of times, and loudly. My other neighbour is a woman living alone with about 3 young children. And they are so noisy. I don't know what they're doing, but it's loud! But the worst thing, is my old enemy: mopeds and scooters! Wow, has everybody gotten one lately? I always hear them, always! They are so loud, and there NEVER passes one single hour, without me hearing them speeding up and down about 3 times. It's amazing. I have never sat down and read for half an hour, without hearing them at some point. Grrrrrrrr.
So, that's my life. Trying to read. Noisy life! Annoying. Worried about the walk to town and the huge congress in Aarhus. Worried about Ambra (the italian girl) and her visit. Worried about how different we are. Worried about the congress for the Green Party, and all the weird suggestions some other members have, which I fear will take all attention away from the main issue.
Now I have printed and delivered my petita. Now I'm gonna write a few mails to Ambra, Elena, Sevi and the green party members. Then buy some food, and then come home, eat a little food, and get an easy rest. As I'm planning to get up about 3:40 am. When I come back from Aarhus late in the Friday, I'm gonna REST! Also because next weekend will be busy with Ambra, who will insit on heavy drinking, I'm sure. |
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| update, update, update.... - about death |
[Mär. 12., 2006|10:28 pm] |
What to tell? It seems difficult to explain. A few days ago, it was my paternal grandfather's 80th birthday. He is very old and weak, and therefore not capable of big parties and celebrations. If I went there, I could only stay briefly and not stay overnight. It would take 4 hours train travel to get there and 4 hours back. And it would be as expensive as it sounds. So 8 hours of travel in one day, and he wouldn't really want me to. So I stayed home. I am too stressed and busy for it anyhow. I didn't get the time to send a card in time, so I called my grandparents on the very day. They didn't answer, and I don't understand it. I called close to 8 pm and again close to 9 pm. They weren't going anywhere on that day, just having a quiet day at home, taking in the few people that eventually would show up, like the local vicar. And they haven't called back, even though their phone lists if people have called them. And knowing their health and how it's going for them, I'm naturally very worried.
The following is a too long meditation about notorous people and death, and should be read as a philosophical meditation and not a political statement
I just read that Slobodan died. I can't explain why, but it was very strange to read and realise, I was shocked. I'm always shocked when people die, I always surprises me, as if I expect no one to die. It's strange to think about that he did all those things and then now suddenly is no more. Saw him live on television long ago. He talked, moved, spoke coherently and made sense (somewhat), but now gone. Now I am cleaning and moving new things and I found some very old pictures of my ancestors I have gotten. I saw one of my most precious of those pictures I got from my maternal grandmother at Christmas 2004. It is about 90 years old, and there was children so young, and looking young and childish new in their life. And now they're all dead. Grew old and died, long ago. Even the little boy who hardly could walk, grew old and died. I wonder why I sometimes feel a sympathy for people like Slobodan. I think it's because when everyone else hates and loathes a person, I always feel sympathy for them. I'm sure that if everyone else loved him, I would hate him. It's because I want to be different, but because I (without thinking about it) want to take a middle way, and ensure that both sides are heard, as there is good in all, even in Slobodan. It was particulary sad that he is dead now, as I am planning to read Limonov. Limonov is a russian revolutionary who everybody hates. The Soviet Union send him to jail for his activities. Then he migrated to USA and got expelled for his activities. And he ended up being connected with Slobodan around 1990 and involved in those Balkan wars. And consequently he got imprisoned again. I read an article about him some years ago, then he was still in prison, I guess he still is today, but I don't know. The interesting thing is, that whenever people writes articles about persons like that, I get angry. Because articles for such persons are so filled with hatred and are judgemental in who the reader is supposed to like and agree with. Naturally no normal persons agree with or love Saddam Hussein, but still I hate that articles that are written by supposedly professional journalists, are so childish. Anyhow, the article about Limonov was interesting. Because it related of people who could look behind on his person and concentrate on his writings as a writer. And then I'm more tolerant for the negativeness. The article said, that Limonov might be a stupid git, but he would still be a great writer who had his way with words, and had his way to tell stories. I admire people who can look at it like that. Yes, neither Slobodan nor Limonov are probably very nice humans. But I did peek in Limonov's book "It's me Eddie!", and from just a few pages I could sense, that the life he lived was disgusting, but he could enchance with his words. I hope to read "It's me Eddie!" soon, but there are so many other books to read. But I would have liked that Slobodan was still alive when I read Limonov, as they were connected. Life and death never works as I want it. I am old enough to clearly remember the how the Balkan wars was, right from the beginning till the end. And it's a prominent person from my childhood who has died, I better get used to it. All the persons who was important in my life either in my personal life, or in the world as whole will die sooner or later. So goodbye Slobodan, I shouldn't mourn your death, even if you were poisened. Because no matter who exaggerated the accuses on you were, then I'm sure that you are solely responsible for at least 2 people's deaths. Them I will never know, and therefore it is so simply to gather sympathy for the big guys who gets killed, instead of for the nobodys in the random village 500 miles away, who got killed.
Wow, long update about nothing, I guess this means that writing about the moving has to wait. Good thing too. Bye!
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| Hail and Farewell |
[Feb. 28., 2006|10:42 pm] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | sad, worried, nervous etc. | ] |
It's time to say goodbye from here... As most of you know, I am in the planning of moving, and the days are moving fast, so, it's time. In 10 hours the huge car/small mini bus thing will come to collect all my stuff, and I almost haven't packed anything yet, so no sleep for me. So, tomorrow will be a big day, and I'm shiveringly nervous. Also for all the hard work that's just ahead. Oh no.
I won't get internet at once at my new place, so I gotta learn to live without it the hard way. I will get on the net when I can on the university, so I won't be online very often or for very long. So, I won't be updating or on my friends list as much as I have been. Sorry.
My last week have been mainly about moving.
( things about moving and my new home, since Monday the 20th ) |
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| kitchen |
[Feb. 23., 2006|12:21 pm] |
I don't have much to tell, at least not much, that anyone would be interested in. A week or two ago, there was placed up a calender, and people in our kitchen signed their birhday. All is there except me and the room that is empty, that leaves 13 birthday's. I would believe, with all the young ones comming in aged 19 and 20 and stuff, and knowing only one beforehand who was older than me (incidently the same one as have been living here longer than me), I thought I'd be the second or third oldest. But it was delighting to see a few others older than me, actually 5. Two of the new girls was among them, and also Birgitte who I have mentioned often about a year ago, was also some months older.
About a week ago, there was a kitchen meeting, where everyone living here was there at some point. It was the first time I saw Anne, who now seems to be the eldest living here, 1½ year older than me. She didn't leave a very good first impression though. Unfortunally I had taken a nap that evening, and woke up and rushed to the meeting and came last (and probably looking like a disaster). I sat on the couch and was pretty much very quiet the entire evening, except when the guy who have lived here longer than me, thought to look coolin front of the girls, by humiliating me. There was talk of paying/donate to have an african child that belonged to the kitchen. Birgitte (who has long been well-known as one of the most generous and kind persons in the world) declared she already had one. In a pseudo funny moment, she first said "I already have a child", to which she then hurried to add: "not a real child, a negro child", and then realised how what she said could have been interpreted, and tried long to straighten out what she actually meant. Many people seemed repulsed at the kitchen standard, how clean etc. There was also tons of talk about future parties etc. and I stayed out of it, and simply stayed out of most things in the kitchen and ignored it, as it wouldn't influence me, as all proposed things would be in March and April, where I would be away from here.
Most interesting was the talk about what newspaper to subcribe to. In all the 3+ years I've lived here, it has always been Jyllands-Posten - now world-wide known and notorious as the newspaper that made and first brought the much disputed Muhammed Cartoons - a newspaper I (for various reasons) loathe, and I have always wanted another one. I would have preferred Politiken a nice neutral balanced newspaper, whose views would resemble about the same as US Democratic Party view, but which rarely used their political opinion and was basicly neutral, unlike Jyllands-Posten who press their extreme fascist views on every line they write and who always makes me vommit. Anyways Charlotte (who was the other new girl older than me - by 3 days), I remember, supported Jyllands-Posten because they made pages useful for her occupation, which means that she's most likely occupied in fields where money matters more than people. The guy who has lived here longer than me, held a "patriotic" speech about that we should stand together and show support to Jyllands-Posten due to the Muhammed drawings riots. And since he is a muslim persian, he would be hard to go against.
Worst of the all was Birgitte, who suddenly shouted out, that Politiken was too "red" (I suppose you all understand what that means), as if it was the divine truth. And it's bullshit. Had she said it about a left-wing paper such as Information, it would be understandable, but Politiken being far more politically central and neutral than Jyllands-Posten, and she even expressing it as if all should agree on it or die. She reminded me of Joseph McCarthy, a person who feared the "red" because it was unknown. She seemed like person brain-washed only to hate the red per default, without knowing what it is. I can still hear those desperate shouts she made, and it makes me shiver. At once I felt (and still feel) ashamed of ever being in love with that woman, and saying all those positive things about her and her personality. And as a secondary thing, then a person feeling more associated with Jyllands-Posten over Politiken, would never be a close friend of mine. So, goodbye Birgitte!
In the end Jyllands-Posten got 6 votes, Politiken 4 and a third paper 2 votes. I guess I shouldn't be too sad, as I'm leaving, but I still feel ashamed for in over 3½ years being forced to financially support this paper *sigh* as a side-note Anne (who I mentioned a few paragraphs above) was one of those that - like me - who voted for Politiken, so I guess she's not so bad. When the meeting ended, I vanished.
A side-note, today, for the first time, I got to be alone with Anne in the kitchen. Only briefly and we didn't talk much, but she seems nice. Even though it shouldn't matter, and I shouldn't think of it, as I will be gone and out of here in less than a week, I'm nervous... |
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| as I have nothing else to say, I write what I hate. |
[Feb. 7., 2006|02:07 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  sad | ] |
As I'm sure most of you know now, then little Denmark have become headline news. Like most others here, I don't want to write about it. I wanted to forget it, and wish it would go away.
But earlier today, I sat with myself, and decided I wanted to get case out, and tell the story as is it, from someone who witnessed it from front row, from day 1.
And because it was so hard for me to write this, I might as well show it to someone, and that will be here. Take it or leave it...
( Danish drawings of Muhammed and ongoing muslim rage ) |
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| the moment were all becomes clear, when water hits the drop |
[Jan. 29., 2006|01:50 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Clannad - Mheal SiLena Glorthai Me | ] |
Let this be a warning to you all, I am drunk, and I may or may not, write strange strange loving comments in your LJ entries etc.
Right now, I'm drinking the beer I was left on the party of the university party where I helped clean sometime last year. The expiry date on this particular beer is May 2005, and it doesn't taste good, but I can't let it go to waste. I hear drunk people all over the place, I must join them, they have hammered on my door.
I am sitting quietly, drinking, and listening to awesome music, and mostly to the most extreme unconventional and most hated band ever, Amon Düül. But I realised, that these last weeks, when listening to that kind of music, then I really need to hear some Clannad. Yum. Wow, they are shouting now out on the hallway.
Since last time, I have been fixing my bank things. I haven't taken care of them since April 2004, when I did a lot of eBay shopping, and then postponed doing them, and the longer I postponed, the bigger the amount I had to fix and the more the papers I had to do. So finally, in the last 1½ week, I did everything up to December 31st 2005, including checking all my eBay shopping etc. I feel rather proud of myself. Unfortunally, that's pretty much the only sensible thing I have done.
Sevi entered back. When I said to her, that I was sad because she didn't contact me for a month, she answered "does it matter?", I guess not, it we are not in love. A few days ago, when she was indifferent towards me and mean, I gave her a piece of my mind. I said, that I had enough of her ignoring me, and only talking to others, etc. etc. and it must mean, that she didn't love me and love someone else. Things went better after that, she claims she still only loves me. But who cares. Insignificant, I guess.
Before that, I tlked more with the italian girl, Ambra, but she's quite different from me, and quite different from Sevi. They are almost identical age, but apart from that they are completely different. I am thinking what they have in common... oh yes, they both fear churches and aren't particulary devoted to Christianity. But Sevi is ultimative pedantic and superficial, Ambra is pure chaos, very alcoholic and drinking with friends all the time. It's all so difficult. Actually, last time I thought of mentioning a third person, another italian I meet same place as Ambra, Elena. She's also very nice, and very devoted to me, but with a few major flaws: she's younger than me (which I don't like), she is living at home with parents and haven't really seen the world (I believe, that living alone, and all that, managing all yourself, helps maturing a person, so in that way, she lacks some maturing aspects), she wants to live the quiet old fashioned life, the husband at work, the wife at home, and I appreciate both persons setting political and religious standards for what they want and who they want to be with.
Blah, blah. Anyways, I just heard someone trying to get in where I live (fortunally the door was locked), and then I heard a girl shout "no, that's not where I live". Fun times!
"Traurigkeit ist alles dort zum Leben ist" |
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| Depression is for the person who wants to know right now what will learn! |
[Jan. 19., 2006|01:22 pm] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | The Long Hello (Vol. 1) - Brain Seizure | ] |
Wow, I love the nonsense subject title, I just googled myself to create from various sources.
Other than that, I am having a huge depression. It started from shortly after my last update. In just two hours, many of my most well regarded friends achieved to say or do things, that really either saddened me or pissed me off. I realised how far I was from many of those persons, and how little I mattered to them (Especially in the context of how much they matter to me). But people I know and in the news, it seems that everyone seems to be as mean as possible. The issue that people are assholes is not the point, because I am that too surely, everyone is. The issue I realised is, that people's mean'ness is a reversed equivalent to how people treat them. In other words, people seem to be most mean to the ones that treat them nice, and lesser mean to people that treat them like shit. In all instances, if I treat a person as nice as I can, they will respond more negatively to me, than to a person who treats them like shit. It's true! All the time, I experience women whose boyfriend either cheat on them or beat them up, then they get sad, and I always lend my shoulder for them and my ears for them. But when the sadness wears off, they return to the boyfriend, and he hurts them again, and the scenery repeats, and they never consider the person who always comforts them and never hurts them, in a romantic context. And likewise for all men who desires the femme fatale, and never notices the sweet, intelligent but shy girl, who has a crush on them.
My point with all this is simple: I've had enough. I'm not talking about relationships primarily here, but just the general sense. I mean, I've had enough of spending my time waiting, caring, talking, thinking, writing to and about people who doesn't give me anything or very little in return. I'm done with being nice to people who doesn't return the kindness. I'm done with people who I want to be with and talk with, but who only talks with me, when there are no other they can talk with. I'm prepared to return harshness for those who are harsh to me. I am done with being nice to everybody and getting shit in return. I guess, that since I am nice, then they think, that they already have my friendship, so no need to nice to me, as they won't gain anything from it, and instead they are being nice to some people, that treat them like shit. Blah, blah, blah. Fuck this. It's time, that I stopped taking initiative to people that only hurts me, and don't care for me, and who never takes initiative to talk with me. It's time to let go. Don't think of them, don't try to contact them again in the small hope, that they really are nice, and all the shit they gave, was just a mis-understanding.
Related to this, I'm starting to see myself as single now, even though I never felt as being in a relationship. After thinking about all this above, I realised how much Sevi fitted to this. I haven't really talked with her for a month. I wrote her mails, wrote her on ICQ and no replies. On New Year's, I wrote her lots of SMS, and did get a few back. But even though I wrote more later, I didn't hear anything back. She was even on ICQ several times, but didn't write me, even though I wrote her lots. Finally a week ago, she replied, and said that she didn't have time. I wrote her, if she still loved me, and she said "Yes". Nothing else, no kind words, just a cold yes, and she never replied further, and after that, I thought I should release myself, and started to be a little looser when talking to women I admired. I talked a lot with an italian girl, but we have too different opinions on my most important political subject. She's an avid GMO supporter, she even works in a transgenic lab, and she doesn't believe that GMO/transgenic food should be marked for the public, because "the people aren't capable of making the right decision for what they should eat" (pretty accurate quote of how I understood her reasoning), and this alone (combined with that I have no idea of when's joking or serious, and that she never seems to be serious) makes it clear, that this is NOT the one.
So yeah, life is pretty awful lately. I have also done something in regards to beomming a political activist, and regarding moving, which is what my mind is about now, but that'll be later, if I feel like it. I also learned to use Soulseek in early January, and that meant, that I finally, after so many years, got to hear the Brain Seizure tune in it's completeness, and the entire Long Hello Vol. 2 album, that I've always desired, and many other things. Oh joy, oh joy! But that's not enough to save me from depression.... |
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| Christmas pt. 2 |
[Jan. 6., 2006|02:30 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | I'm not good | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | And Also The Trees - Talk Without Words | ] |
... and a happy wish for 2006 for all of you.
To quickly sum up my the remains of my Christmas. When I came home from the old folks home with my grandmother, my mother and sister had arrived. The afternoon went slowly. I had brough my fotoalbum of pictures from my Bulgaria trip, but only managed to show my grandmother them, as she was very interested in seeing them, and seeing Sevi. As there were about 170 pictures, and as I had stories for almost all of them, then it took a really long time to show the album. I was also forced to help with the Christmas tree, but I mainly enjoyed sitting and watching my sweet little sister doing it. I never experienced the "magic" of Christmas, not even as a child, but she still has it, so even though Christmas was ruined for me, I was determined only to make sure she had a wonderful Christmas, as she's my joy and light, and I'm practically her father figure, as I am the only male she really is in relation of, and as I'm over 11 years older than her. The presents thing wasn't special. I got a lot of things I didn't really need, especially I got a book, that I directly would never place in my shelf, because I dislike it and it's authors, and it couldn't be swapped. And the big problem, that before me stands a big moving, that I'm panicing about, my place is so small, and everything is a mess, because I don't have room for it all, and the last thing I need is more useless things, that I don't know where to put, and which will take up place and will cause more weight and bigger back problems when moving. I sound like an ungrateful brat, don't I? I was very depressed about everything, and events after the unwrapping - which I won't eloborate - made it worse. Also I got a present, which wasn't a Christmas present, but one for celebrating my BA, my mother pressured me to open it now, but I wouldn't really want to do it, because already then I was aware, that my BA might not be finished by January, because I'm stupid and awful. But I had to open it, and it was the cell phone I have desired. After being pretty much the only person between 15 and 40 who resistantly avoided those things, I decided to give in. But I am determined not to use it very often. Only in ermergencies, and if I'm travelling somewhere and the train is delayed or something, so I can call and notify people. But I felt so guilty getting it now, because I haven't earned it (in the meaning, that I haven't achieved, what this present is for me to achieve). My mother said, that getting this phone might inspire me to get more busy on the BA. She was dead wrong. Unfortunally. My little sister enjoyed that I had a cell phone, and she helped me how to use it (my grandmother found it amusing, that a this little girl had to help an adult man). But my sister was happy, and we spend the night sending lots of text messages to each other, even though we were only a few yards apart.
On the 25th, my uncle came by with his wife and their children. I don't have any special memory of that, so I actually think it was something as rare, as a family gathering, were times were good. We had lunch together, and it was nice and quiet. But they left after 2 hours or less, so I didn't get to show them pictures, even though I on the day before, my uncle had wanted to see them. They did however often ask me about it, and all seemed very interested in hearing about Bulgaria. I guess it's because I usually never travel anywhere (it's so difficult to plan when you're all alone about it), and this was the first time I planned and did a travel by myself as an adult, I was so tired of everyone else travelling around but me. I also wore the t-shirt Sevi gave me (because it's my favourite shirt) on the 24th and 25th, and as it was in cyrrilic lettering, that also inspired some talks. After they left, I played some cards with my sister, and packed, and left around 6:50 pm. Walked to the train station, and took the train 7:30. I wanted to get home on the 25th for two special occasions: 1) that I expected, that all were I live is away for Christmas, so I could get some quietness to read (turned out not to be true), and 2) to get home and give myself a Christmas treat: good food while watching my beloved Ravens playing the late NFL game. And Ravens won the match, and I enjoyed it, my best Christmas present! And at that time it was 6 am, and about time to go to bed! |
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| Christmas (pt. 1) |
[Dez. 28., 2005|12:39 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | not that good | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Peter Hammill - Babel | ] |
Christmas was ... not very good. As usual something always comes to destroy it all for me *sigh*
I got myself out and bought some presents on of the last days, and also bought some food for my last days here. Amongst others I bought some healthy youghurt in two bottles. I had so much to carry home, so I had to take the things out and re-sort them in my bag. When I came home, I noticed that my youghurt bottles were missing, I had placed them on top of a shelf, while re-packing my bag, and then forgot them, so that was $3 wasted. Grrrr.
I send out lots of Christmas mails, and heard from about half. I send to two of my favourite composers/musicians of all time, Mandy Morton & Graeme Taylor, but haven't heard back from them. I did however hear from my second favourite female singer (after Mandy) Judy Dyble (who sang with Fairport Convention, Trader Horne and what later became King Crimson, and who now is solo). I didn't hear from Sevi, but I got a brief reply reply from her sister, Iri, who however didn't answer my question on where they would celebrate Christmas.
On December 23rd I went to take the train. I came a little late, but I hoped the train was also late. It was: 30 minutes *sigh*! I got on the train and found my seat. My most expensive present was a vulnerable vase for my mother, costing $40. I had it in a plastic bag. Before entering the train, I thought to place some clothes at the bottom of the bag, so that it wouldn't get smashed, I thought I was so clever. I placed the bag on the top of the room for luggage, so it wouldn't fall out. But it did fall, and what was at the top of the bag fell out (and the thing at the bottom stayed in). I got the wrapped vase on my head (and my head hurted for hours afterwards *auch!*) and proceded to fall on the floor. When I picked it up, I could easily hear, that it was too broken due to the fall. So I sat for the rest of the trip and was so sad I couldn't bear it. Finally I bought a good present, which she really wanted, and then this happens. Why is there always somethings, that really ruins my Christmas? Why can I never be allowed to have a good Christmas?
I arrived at my grandmothers, and told on the phone about the broken present. I was told, that it couldn't be replaced, and that it was money wasted, which made me hate myself even more. I slept in the living room on a madrass. Even though I had to get up early, I found myself reading one of my grandmother's old books, which contained a story about Cicero.
On the 24th, I was awoken after 4 hours of sleep, at about 8-9 am. We went to to the old folks home, where my grandfather had once lived his last years. My grandmother became a volunteer there, and I had to help her with the Christmas Christian ceremony there. We first started to make the room tidy and get all things in place. My grandmother is the hugest dictator, and was a pain in the ass. When I carrying in the bible song books she said, that I should go and turn on the candles. That I had my arms full of books was not something she could understand, and that I could do the books first and then the other stuff afterwards she didn't understand either. When she had decided that I should turn on the lights now, then I should turn on the lights now. So I had to carry the books back, only to be ordered to carry them again when I had turned on the candles. That was a lot of time and energy wasted, just because she's an idiot. And while I was turning on the candles, she said "You must go and turn on the candles", "What the f*** do you think I am doing?!?!?". Then we collected some of the people living there. I drove this woman, who couldn't talk nor see, and didn't seem to show any understanding when spoken to. The lady (nurse) who handed her to us, was one of the most beautiful women ever, so I decided I wanted to drive her back again, just to get a chance to speak to her again. Then came the ceremony. The priest was good, not because of his ceremony and speeches, but because before he started, he went around and greeted everyone present. I thought this was a nice humane touch, that I hope the elderly appreciated. He also greeted me, and couldn't help giggling, because I was pretty much the only one who stood up when greeting the priest (I was pretty much the only one capable of standing up actually). After the speech I was to pour wine for all the visitors, I was told not to pour too much nor too little in the small glasses and told not to spill, so I was careful. Then my grandmother came and angrily said I was too slow, I got to angry, that I almost told her, that then she could do it herself. Afterwards, we drove some of them back to their place. I drove the one who couldn't speak/see, but just before we came to where she belonged, my grandmother ordered me to let her drive the old woman the last way. I guess this was so that she could get the honour, same as with the ceremony, where she was the one giving the wine and being the one all thanked for the arrangement. I was placed at the background, unnoticed. Bitch! The cleaning up was even worse, and I was left with a feeling, that I defienetly did NOT want to celebrate Christmas with this woman. |
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| The Drunkard |
[Dez. 17., 2005|10:54 pm] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | well, well... | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Fairport Convention - John Lee | ] |
Tsch! I have two important things happening here the last week. The most important is about the moving. But I'll tell about that later, so that I now can tell of the "lesser" important thing, so I can get it out of the system and stop thinking about it.
Yesterday the institute for philosophy had their "christmas lunch", and I had lots to do before this kicked off, and still I got going to late. I went to town, where I first got a haircut (my first haircut since just before I went to Bulgaria in July, so 'twas about time). Then I was in a music store and got 2 DVD's I've wanted for a long time. And then I went to the music library and borrowed some CD's with The Cure, Enya and Fairport Convention (one of which I'm listening to now). I have heard most of them before, but now I want to burn the best tracks from those albums.
I was home at 6:20 pm, and the christmas lunch started at 8:45/9:00, so I was busy. But I needed to relax, and checked if the DVD's seemed to work. I left just before 9, but I had to buy a packet for to bring. So I bought something on the way, and wanted to wrap it, and since the store used to have this feature, I thought I could do this there, but they didn't have it anymore.
I arrived at the university super late, around 9:40 pm. Fortunally they hadn't started eating, and professor Hass was making an introduction speech (where he naturally didn't fail to make it clear that women and female men was useless). I found a vacant seat next to one I knew somewhat. So things turned out good. Surprisingly next to the guy I sat with, on his other side, sat a woman named Linda H, I think I've mentioned her on occasion here long ago. But in any case, she was a rather big crush a few years back. She was however rather evil all of a sudden back then. But it was strange to see her again. And we talked briefly, and also with Mette, another girl who studied at the same time as us. I got lots to eat, and the evening progressed. I talked mostly with Mette. Later on I had to (after advice from one of the organisers) retreat to a toilet and wrap up the present using some small pieces of the paper used for the tables and lots of tape. And I made what must be the most hideous wrapped present ever. Fortunaly Mette hadn't even bought one, so she was in the candy machine and bought something, which Linda H. wrapped with a paper announcement from the university, so I wasn't alone in sucking.
The evening went ok. Actually I retired to the computer room (I had planned to write here, and to drink some wine), but as I realised I would be banned from university, if I was found drinking alcohol in the computer room, I didn't take the chance. At a time I found myself in a group with only girls, where Mette was one of them. And I misunderstood something they said, and no matter what I tried to say, I couldn't get to know what the hell went on. And then Mette said something about me having a crush on Linda H, which rather shocked me. I don't think I'm bothered about it, just let them occupy their minds with that, then they're wasting their time more than I am. I didn't talk with as many professors as usual, but unusually I did talk with David Favrholt, a legendary person in the entire country, and beyond (he was offered a noble position under the white house in Washington). So I just talked for a little, just for the sake of having talked more with him. He kept insisting that Chicago is placed in Michigan and Detroit isn't. I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. I also told Mette and Linda H. about my plans of moving. Linda told me that she plans to move as well. The strange part is that she considers to move to where I live now. She wants the small houses connected with where I live now. As I know it's a law that you have to be two to live there, I asked her who she was moving in with, and she said "just myself". In any case, I don't think it's good for her. She's 30, she's not a person that drinks and goes nuts each weekend. I don't think she'll like it among those 18-22 year olds, who are constantly noisy and intoxicated. But that's her worry. Later I walked Mette outside where her mother picked her up. When I came back several Depeche Mode tracks where being played, which increased my mood. I ended in a group including a guy, who talked about he was writing an essay about that we only had gotten language thanks to incest. Because, firstly we were enough in ourselves, but then we learned to share, and sharing stuff like our daughters is why we developed language. It sounded pretty fucked up. During the talks Linda also decided to join, and it did seem like she was following me.
I ended talking with a younger woman, who had just started philosophy this summer, and who was only 19. So I felt so old compared to her. She seemed really eager to keep talking with me. So we did, but I always looked out for what Linda was up to. At 2 o clock people were supposed to leave. I was supposed to walk with this young girl, who was named Michelle (which was a shocking name, as it is (almost) the name of another of my biggest crushes these last 3 years). I said goodbye to Linda, through the party I wanted to tell her, how great she looked tonight, because she really did, but it became rather awkward. I then walked with Michelle. I thought I was walking her home, and she thought she was walking me home. But in the end, she won, and we went back to me, even though extreme business these last weeks, and a too small place, had resulted in the biggest mess ever. Michelle spend the night (and no we didn't have sex!), and it was not too funny in the end, as my bed is small, and she took up all the place, so I was squezed against the wall (plus she knocked over a can, so pepsi poured on some of my papers). So I really couldn't sleep and wished she wasn't there. She slept long, woke up at 1:15 pm and left at 2:05 pm. Then I felt rather strange and empty, so I cooked some food. During the day, the extreme hangover went away.
I've spend 2 hours on one single phone call also today, but that is for later. |
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| "He is the Chairman of the Housing sub-committee" - "Snogging sub-committee, more like..." |
[Dez. 9., 2005|09:43 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | The Rutles - Cheese And Onions | ] |
Tsch, stress. Whew, a stressing week this has been. The last few days have been centered around the possibility of moving. To re-capture: I get five offers for a student flat. If I refuse all five offers, my registration will be cancelled. The first offer was for a place in a street named something with Raven, that was too small for the price, and too far from where I wanted to be. The second offer was a place in the center, I never wanted. Third offer was another for that Raven street thing. So the first three offers I didn't want. And the two final offers where for places I never requested. Those two where for two flats in the same street, called "The Milky Hat" (grotesque name!). After my last update, I went down there to find the place, but didn't find it. It was a long walk back and forth, and when I got back, I was so tired, so I decided to go to bed. I was supposed to do kitchen duties for the shared kitchen here, but I'd do it early in the morning.
Normally the duties should be finished at midnight between Monday and Tuesday. I got up, and started at 5:50 am Tuesday morning, and at 7:30 am I was done, except for that the laundromat didn't open until 7 am, so I wasn't done washing tea towels, and I hadn't bought the things for the kitchen, as the store hadn't opened yet. I then got myself a little rest, got the towels done, went to the office to get trash bags, and went to the store to buy salt, pepper, wrapping paper, tea kettle, all that stuff. And hoped that no one would notice that I was finished too late.
I have also been sleeping so much lately. Maybe it's due to the heavy amount of walking. My feets are completely sore, and I have gotten wounds on both feet that hurts when I walk, and of course the staph infection in my legs always makes me dread walking for over 30 minutes. It was also at that time, that I got the second offer for a The Milky Hat flat. So I now had to take either of them, to avoid my application to be cancelled.
The next day I caled the place that offered the flat in the center of time, and said I refused it. I asked that, since I never wanted this flat at all, then if I could avoid it being counted among the five offers I will be offered, so I could get an extra offer. But I couldn't. I then succeded in finding the The Milky Hat. And found the two places I had been offered. They are located between two big roads, and one could always hear the cars, the entire concept was a mixture of big and small flats, so I would be stuck between two huge flats (most likely people with children). I would get a small garden though. I wasn't inside any of the flats. But it looked ok. But I was still so nervous about it all, and felt quite alone and lost about everything. I can't really explain the nervousity about all this. Also moving all my things from one place to the other seems like an impossible task. I had thought of getting a cart from a shopping mall, and then take my possesions one by one in thecart back and forth. But it would take 50 minutes to go there, so 100 minutes to go back and forth once. And I would need to do it 30 times (and that's not including my big furniture, which I would rent a moving van for, when all the other stuff is moved) and my legs and feet can't handle that in their current state.
I was at the university, and would print out the information I had gotten about the second offer at The Milky Hat (which - to me - had a slight better location than the first one), but the computer room was occupied. But I did get documentation that I was a student there, which I would need, if I apply for either of the two flats. One problem with all this, is that I didn't get any meassurements for the flats. I don't know how big the room is with the kitchen, how big the entrance hall or the bathroom is. The entire flat is listed to be 29 square metres, which is good. But the flats from the Raven street was listed as 37 square metres, but all the rooms combined is just 25 square metres, the rest is walls and the room for all people. So I really wanted to know, how big my place would be actually. So I went to the owners, but they didn't know (which I find upsetting), and asked me to call the janitor. I then had a class at the university, and then got the offer printed out, so I had that, if I should make the application. When I got back home, Sevi made a surprise return on the internet, first time we got to chat for almost three weeks. She was rather patient while I explained the entire moving situation (she had of course heard nothing at all about it until then), but it was good to talk with her again.
Today I called the janitor about an hour ago. He didn't have the meassurements either. This really annoys me greatly. I have huge other things to be concerned about, but I spend all my days on this, because people doesn't know what they should know. IF I don't get the meassurements, I will have to refuse the flats, which means that this huge heap of work, and stressing constantly for 8 days, have been in vain. Which especially annoying, since I am so behind on my university assignment. I learned I don't have to deliver it until early January, so I still have some time to do it. But the last week I have done none, because I've had no time. So all this really annoys me, and stresses me out, to a degree which I can't decribe. Well, I have a class, must be off. |
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| burials and dvds |
[Nov. 28., 2005|11:01 pm] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Fotheringay - Winter Winds | ] |
Today is my 100th day in a row without Sevi. I haven't heard from her for 9 days, when she was at Burgas. I have gotten pretty nervous, because last week, she was going to be at work, and thus being able to contact me, but not a single thing have I heard. And I started to worry if there was an accident on the bus trip home, or if she had gotten an allergy attack again, etc. However, when I came home today, I saw that she had written one sentence for me, in a cell phone message. I wrote her back, asking how she was, and saying I hoped she could write soon or come to ICQ soon, because I missed her and I was worried.
Enough of that. A few days ago, my paternal grandmother called me. Amongst other things, she told me, that she and my paternal grandfather had a talk with the local vicar, and they had been planning their burial. I know that they're both are pushing 80, but still it was rather weird to talk with her about her own funeral. I then asked her, if they wanted to be buried in coffin or burned, and she said, that the two of them differed, and asked me, if I knew who desired what. I then remembered a conversation I had with my grandfather several years ago (I think it was the last time I saw them), where I asked him about his parents (my great-grandparents), and he said, that there was no point, they were both dead, and there is no reason to occupy oneself with them anymore. Then I said to him, that if he had that belief, then he should be aware, that when he died, then people would stop caring about him, and he would stop meaning anything for anyone the second he died. He replied he was aware of this, and that he wanted this. When I remembered that conversation, I knew that it was he who wanted to be burned and my grandmother who wanted to be buried in a coffin. My grandmother said that I was correct, and she sounded very surprised that I knew this, which made me very happy, because it shows, that I do know my grandparents on some deep degree, and I think that was sending a signal of respect towards them. To finish it up, then I told, that a great-grandfather on my other side of the family had two wifes (of course not at the same time) who both had died long before he did. They were buried together in a grave, that only had room for two coffins, and as he wanted both his past wifes to have burial peace, he wanted to be burned, and the urn placed in the grave. So my grandparents could do the same thing, with my grandfather's urn placed in my grandmother's coffin. My grandmother then said, that this was exactly what they had intended to do.
That was a rather dark thing, but to me, the next thing was worse. Friday night, in the kitchen, some drunken people had placed a DVD player on top of the telly, which was on top of the fridge. But obviously, they hadn't placed it securely, because late Saturday when I was in the kitchen, closing the fridge, then the dorr slamming made the DVD player fall down and smashed. Even though I felt myself unblameable, I was extremely worried. I gathered the pieces and gave up fixing it. I then wrote a message saying, that I had found it on the floor (yeah, yeah, I know, a lie) and then got out of there in rapid speed.
Oh, and I've started reading a little bit. Whee, finally I'm doing something sensible! Of course I haven't read in relation to my actual assignment, but I did continue a bit further in Rousseau's Confessions (which I mentioned on Oct. 6th).
In news that interests no one, then I made an awesome background, consisting of my (so far, have only listened to a little) 12 favourite albums from the various Amon Düül groups - my revelation these past weeks.
And as no one here knows, then I'm biased about the old TV-show Twin Peaks, so I had to take a test about it. It's quite funny, I'm rather tall, the talest in my sorroundings, and even though there were no questions on height nor tall'ness, I ended with the tallest person in the entire show. ( Giant )
PS. There's huge problems with my LJ e-mail notofications. Sometimes I see there's a comment, that I wasn't notificated about. So, if anyone has written something anywhere that I should have replied to, but haven't, then that's most likely the cause.
PPS. I wrote this entry once, but my browser cracked up, and I had to do it all over. So if this update sounds rather forced and rushed, then that's why. |
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graeme_qewes Journal
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